The Death Eater Musical Christmas Spectacular
by toujourspurPAL
Summary: Death Eaters sing Christmas carols! Read! Review! Sing carols!And I really do like the Order, I just had to say bad things about them for the song!
1. Chapter 1 Jingle Bells, Order Smells

The Death Eaters are having a Christmas party and are singing rewrites of Christmas carols! A battle between them and the Order(songs by answerthequestionnooneasked) ensues! Long live the Dark Lord!

* * *

_To Mr. Dobby, who wasn't there the day I wrote this_

* * *

Jingle bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Lupin is a bleedin' git and Dumbledore is gay

Jingle Bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Mudbloods, half –breeds, all will die when they use the Dark Lord's name

Verse 1

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go,

Cursing all the way-_Avada__-_

Bells on bobtail ring

We know we're in the right

What fun it is to ride and sing this killing son tonight

Oh-

Jingle bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Lupin is a bleedin' git and Dumbledore is gay

Jingle Bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Mudbloods, half –breeds, all will die when they use the Dark Lord's name

Verse 2

A day or two ago

A Black blood traitor died

We all were very glad

And Bella didn't cry

So let this be a sign

To all who dare to fight

You cannot hope to win against

The forces of the night!

Oh-

Jingle bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Lupin is a bleedin' git and Dumbledore is gay

Jingle Bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Mudbloods, half –breeds, all will die when they use the Dark Lord's name

Verse 3

Now the ground is white

Enjoy it while you're young

For if the Dark Lord dies

It won't be any fun

But do not be afraid

The Dark Lord will live on

He'll live to fight another day

And sing this Christmas song-

Jingle bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Lupin is a bleedin' git and Dumbledore is gay

Jingle Bells, Order smells, Phoenix laid an egg

Mudbloods, half –breeds, all will die when they use the Dark Lord's name


	2. Chapter 2 God Rest Ye Death Eaters

I don't own HP. Or Christmas music. Oh well!!

_In memory of Henry the Rock, who has given us many fun times_

To the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" Or hippogriffs. It really doesn't matter.

* * *

God rest ye, all ye Death Eaters

Let nothing you dismay

Remember that the Dark Lord

Was born New Year's Eve Day

He will conquer; the Boy Who Lived

Will be the Boy Who Died

And all who oppose you shall die, shall die

And all who oppose you shall die

In Godric's Hollow Harry Potter was born

And there he shall draw his last breath

Upon this Christmas morn

And we shall all be joyous

And the Dark Lord ne'er will mourn

And all who oppose him shall die, shall die

And all who oppose him shall die!


	3. Chapter 3 Name the Carol

Yes! Random carols….Guess the carol titles (real titles, that is) and I will make new words to any random carol you choose.

* * *

_To Mr. Prongs_

* * *

I wanna kill blood traitors for Christmas

It's not something I've ever got to do

For you see,

There aren't very many

Blood traitor families

The only ones I know are the Weasleys

* * *

PETER:

Oh, bloody crap

What have I done?

I've betrayed my friends to the Dark Lord

Oh bloody crap,

Now they're all gonna die

And it will be all my fault

RANDOM PEOPLE (Gibbon, Rowle, Jugson, etc.):

The one who could

Vanquish the4Dark Lord comes now

So we will find him

And the kid will die

VOLDY:

Fall on your knees,

Now all bow down to me

For I rule the world

I rule,

I rule the world

I RULE!!!

THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

I rule,

I rule the world!


	4. Chapter 4 Wicked Patriots at Xmas

The Death Eaters have a National Anthem! Yay! To the tune of "God Save the Queen" !! Yay!! Once again, name the songs and request a carol rewrite!! Yay!

* * *

_To Mr. Wormtail, who wants something to drink, and to the creator of Dark Magic Skittles_

* * *

BELLATRIX: Oh, crap. We forgot to open with our amazingly awesome and cool National Anthem! Everyone sing along! Five, six, five, six, seven, eight!

ALL DEATH EATERS:

_God save the Dark Lord!_

_Long live the Dark Lord!_

_God save the king!_

_Death to all mudbloods_

_And to all half-breeds_

_Purebloods shall rule_

_Long live the king!_

SNAPE (who doesn't realize what he's doing):

_My country 'tis of thee_

_Sweet land of liberty_

_Of thee I sing_

_Long may thy land be bright_

_With freedom's holy light_

_Protect us by thy might_

_Great God our king!_

TRAVERS: What the hell did you just say?

SNAPE: Nothing. I didn't say a word. Not a single word. You're delusional, Travers.

BELLATRIX: I heard him too! Kill him! Kill the traitor!!!

RODOLPHUS:

_A man's called a traitor_

_Or liberator_

_A rich man's a thief or a philanthropist_

_A man's a crusader_

_Or ruthless invader_

_It's all in which label_

_Is able to persist!_

BELLATRIX: You know, sometimes I wonder why I even married you….

KARKAROFF( with German accent):

_They called me vunderful_

_So I said vunderful_

_Blah blah blah blah I haff forgot the rest!_

ALL, except anyone mentioned above:

_LALALALALALA_

_LALALALALALA_

_LALALA_

_LALALA_

_LALALALALALA!!_

* * *

_Crucio Imperio_

_Death to all mudbloods_

_Crucio Imperio_

_Death to all blood traitors_

_Avada Kedavra_

_Death to all half-breeds_

_We're singing carols again…._

_Long live the Dark Lord!_


	5. Chapter 5 Black Christmas

My friend Mr. Masper came up with this song, especially the second verse. I don't remember how his first verse went, so I made up my own.

_

* * *

To the Death Eaters. Cos I feel like it._

* * *

I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the purebloods were cool

And there weren't any rules

We could kill whoever we liked

I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas

With every blood traitor I curse

May your dreams be scary and bad

And may all your Christmases be worse!

* * *

Time for random references to the movie "White Christmas"!!

No, I will not make Bellatrix and Narcissa sing "Sisters."

BRAINWAVE...

Look there goes the Dark Lord

And they all say Dark Lord who?

* * *

Death Eater, Death Eater, Death Eater rock

Death Eaters kill what Death Eaters will

Cursing forever, that's all that we do

And we'll kill you too

What a dark time

It's a great time

To kill whomever we may

Death Eater time

Is a swell time

To kill mudbloods from a one-horsed sleigh

Long live the Dark Lord wherever he is

Long live all purebloods too

Death Eaters forever

If you wanna survive

Fight for our side, do!


	6. Chapter 6 Malekalikimaka

To the tune of "Malekalikimaka", however you spell that...you know, the Hawaiian thingy

The Death Eaters are on holiday in Hawaii…god save us all.

I know that in a previous version of this that I put on fanfic there were about 50 random typos. Let me just say that the computers at my school have hideous keyboards.

REVIEW!!! If you do not review, remember that I have the full power of the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself behind me!

If you've already reviewed, you don't need to again, but it could be wise. The thing accepts anonymous reviews- so you really don't have any excuses.

_

* * *

To Mr. Masper. Who needs to make good of that phone number._

* * *

Avada Kedavra

Is the thing to say

On a bright, Death Eater Christmas day

And will all kill you

From the land where palm trees sway….

Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright (**silver, that is… Slytherin)**

Lestranges kill by day and Malfoys curse by night

Avada Kedavra is the curse to say

For a very merry Christmas

A very very merry merry Christmas

To you!


	7. Chapter 7 Travers, Yaxley, and Nott

To the tune of "Hardrock, Coco and Joe"

_To AMN_

o-le-o-la-di-o-le-di-i-a

Donner and Blitzen away, away

o-le-o-la-di-o-le-di-i-o

I'm Travers

I'm Yaxley

I'm Nott

Though it doesn't rhyme we think it's a good song

We curse and kill blood traitors all the day long

o-le-o-la-di-o-le-di-i-a

Donner and Blitzen away, away

o-le-o-la-di-o-le-di-i-o

I'm Travers

I'm Yaxley

I'm Nott

See that nice little box down in the left-hand corner that says submit review: go? Good. Click on the nice little box and make me happy.


	8. That Same Old Auld Lang Syne

To the tune of "Same Auld Land Syne" by some random guy whose name I don't know…possibly the best Christmastide song ever. Go find it and listen to it. If you guess who the two people(of course they are Death Eater types) in my version are I'll give you 20$. This is random at times cos I had to make it fit the original song, and I kind of killed the rhyme scheme. And I'm not sure if the girl was alive at this time. Oh well.

* * *

Met my old lover in a Zonko's store  
The snow was falling Christmas Eve  
Stole behind her in the practical jokes  
and I touched her on the sleeve

She didn't recognize the face at first  
but then her eyes flew open wide  
Tried to hug me and she dropped her wand  
and we laughed until we cried

Took her purchases to the checkout stand  
The stuff was totaled up and bagged  
stood there lost in our embarrassment  
as the conversation dragged

Went to have ourselves a drink or two  
but couldn't find an open pub  
Bought a six-pack at Diagon Alley  
and we drank it in the park

_We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now  
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how_

She said she'd married her a pureblood  
Kept her warm and safe and dry  
She said she'd like to say she loved the man  
but she didn't want to lie

I said the years had been a friend to her  
and that her eyes were still as grey  
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude

She said she saw me in the Dark Magic store  
and that I must be doing well  
I said the traveling was heavenly  
but the customers were hell

_We drank a toast to innocence we drank a toast to time  
We're living in our eloquence, another old lang syne_

The butterbeers were empty and our tongues grew tired  
and running out of things to say  
She gave a kiss to me as I stood up  
and I watched her fly away

Just for a moment I was back in school  
And felt that old familiar pain  
And as I turned to make my way back home  
My soul turned into rain

* * *

I was joking about the 20$. But guess who they are anyway and make my day! Review!! 


	9. Chapter 9 Musical Time!

Enjoy the randomness!

* * *

BELLATRIX : We should learn to play instruments!!

SNAPE: How? We can't exactly go up to some random muggle and ask him to teach us how, can we?

RODOLPHUS: Wait! Look! Look what I found! A...a coupon! 'Free music lessons at Stalin's Music Shoppe'!

BELLATRIX: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna learn to play kazoo!

SNAPE: Are- you- _insane_? Bellatrix, you seriously need to lay off on the drugs. I know you were in Azkaban, but this is just getting ridiculous!

DOLOHOV: I want to play kazoo! That's my job!

BELLATRIX: Mine!

DOLOHOV: Mine!

LUCIUS: No, no, no, see here. Bellatrix plays kazoo. Dolohov, you play accordion, Karkaroff- yes, I know he ditched us, but too bad, ok?- plays fiddle!! And then I get to play electric guitar!

KARKAROFF: What? Fiddle? Sweet! Can we do musicals? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease with cherries on top... and chocolate...and mustard?

REGULUS: Yes, fine but what musicals san we do? Fiddler on the Roof? The Music Man?

BELLATRIX: You're supposed to be _dead,_ idiot! Go back to your grave!

REGULUS: I don't have a grave, you idiot!

AMYCUS(sings):

A blessing on your head, mazel-tov, mazel-tov

To see a daughter wed, mazel-tov, mazel-tov

You'll have a son in law

Like no one ever saw

The tailor Motel Camzoil

REGULUS: No! I am not being Fruma-Sarah! If you want to do Fiddler on the Roof, get Karkaroff to do that weird Russian dance in the bar!

KARKAROFF(sings):

Heaven bless you both, nazdrovia

To your health and may we-

REGULUS: My god! I was being sarcastic! Shut up, Igor!

LUCIUS: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! Now, I was thinking we could do The Music Man-

Seventy- six kazoos led the big parade

With a hundred and ten fiddles right be-

REGULUS: NO! We've got to do the song about pool!

I said we got trouble

Right here in River City

I said we got trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for-

AMYCUS:

Gary, Indiana, Gary Indiana, Gary Indiana

My home sweet home!

NARCISSA: Ooh! Can we do Wicked? I wanna be Glinda!

No one mourns the wicked

No one cries, She won't return

No one lays a lily on their grave-

BELLATRIX: I find that insulting! We're doing White Christmas!

ALL(finally):

We'll follow the old man wherever he wants to go  
Long as he wants to go opposite to the foe

We'll stay with the old man wherever he wants to stay  
Long as he stays away from the battle's fray

Because we love him, we love him  
Especially when he keeps us on the roll

And we'll tell the kiddies we answered duty's call  
With the grandest son of a muggle of them all


	10. Chapter 10 Away in a Manor and Marge

'Away in a Manger' requested by TuxedoKamenLuver…hope you like it. Set in 'The Dark Lord Ascending' book 7.

* * *

_To MEB_

* * *

Away in a manor 

In Wiltshire, UK

The great Dark Lord Riddle

Took Malfoy's wand away

The niece of a bright star

Married a half-breed

And Death Eaters laughed for this had broke their creed(**yes I know that's hideous grammar)**

V2

The peacocks are lowing**(well, whatever noise they make)**

The pris'ner awakes

The Dark Lord sends Peter

To stop him with haste

The pris'ner shuts up and a teacher doth die

'Supper, Nagini' and Snape didn't cry

* * *

Aunt Marge is killed by Death Eaters. They write a song for Harry and 'that muggle brat' Dudley to sing together, to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

* * *

Margie got herself killed by the Dark Lord 

Walking home from our house, Christmas Eve

You can say there's no such thing as magic

But as for me and Dudley, we believe

V1

She'd been drinking too much vodka

And the Dursleys begged her not to go

But she'd left behind her bulldog

So she stumbled out the door into the snow

V2

When they found her Christmas morning

At the scene of the attack

There was a Dark Mark above her

And incriminatin' green slashes on her back

REFRAIN

V3

Now we're all so proud of Vernon

He's been taking this so well

Well you see he blamed it all on Harry

He blamed it on the kid and gave him hell

V4

I've warned all Hogwarts kids and Aurors

Better watch out for yourselves

They should never give out magic

To a man whose got a wand and drowns house-elves

REFRAIN

* * *

Reviews are always very much appreciated, and _when I ask you to guess something you can enclose a guess in a review_.(SEE LAST CHAPTER!!) Wow. Shocker. Oh, by the way, answerthequestionnooneasked writes Order of the Phoenix carols, and we're supposedly having a best- carol competition, so you may want to go read her thing. 


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